how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
