Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
