Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
