based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
