I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
