he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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