i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
