I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
