It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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