I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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