I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I am available for nakedness
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
