weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
