Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
this hospital has no fireball
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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