End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
