What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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