Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
