one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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