omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
