We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
