This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If I die, sorry about rent.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
