Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
