There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
