dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
