Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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