Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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