i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
