Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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