We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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