What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
