so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
