Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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