come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
