she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
