I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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