Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
