i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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