Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
