I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i've created a new STD.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
