the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
