how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
