This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
