I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
