I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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