Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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