Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
