My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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