any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
