I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
