i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
