Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
