Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
