I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
