I think I died a long time ago.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
